FarahL
1/27/2014 08:19 EST
Hi There,
I can really understand why you are worried and really it's nothing to do with his nationality, it is that you know nothing about him, isn't it? We had exactly the same issue when my sister met a man & was thinking of becoming engaged to him - but he told her that he had cut off all ties with all his family & friends in his home region, so had no-one who could vouch for him - so I know that feeling, where really you are just worried on behalf of one of the people you love best in the world.....
Anyway, I would like to offer a different perspective on this issue. I do not know Algerian society at all but I do know Moroccan muslim culture well - and I believe that the issue for this young man may well be that, in these societies, family approval is everything: indeed, in Morocco, the vast majority of marriages are still arranged ie it is the FAMILY that chooses the bride, who is possibly a family relation, comes from their region and guaranteed to be a virgin.
From their point of view, therefore, they have a handsome, well educated son, in whose education they have invested a great deal.
If he already has a child & the child is in Algeria, this almost certainly means he has a failed marriage behind him.
What ever you think of the situation, therefore, your daughter will absolutely not be what they are looking for in a bride for their son - but, ironically, more & more educated & sophisticated young men do not want to have what (in this case might be) another arranged marriage with an unsophisticated girl not of their choosing; and so, in a more cosmopolitan & relaxed environment than their homeland, ie Paris, they are attracted to a different sort of girl.
The problem for the men is then how to break the news to their family, that they have met someone totally outside of their family's remit and sphere of influence? Someone about who they know & can find out absolutely nothing? You cannot underestimate how potentially cataclysmic this could be for both the young man ( who is, after all, completely reliant on his family for his current lifestyle) or for his family. Certainly, he will never introduce your daughter to his family unless he is absolutely sure he wants to marry her - and even then, he will need to be very courageous to do it.
So - maybe the first thing is to explore this possibility with her/him - and both you & your daughter need to start to gain an understanding of Algerian society, so you can understand the context within which all this is happening for the young man.
There is a very good series of books called "Culture Shock", which explain how cultures work from within, but written for foreigners. If there is one written for Algeria, I should seek out a copy; if not, take a look at the one written principally for Morocco, which is excellent, and hopefully (others can confirm) will also have resonance in Algeria.
I hope, from what I have written, you will appreciate that, at this stage, you do not need to be suspicious that he has not opened up about his family, but more accepting of the reasons why he has acted as he had so far. What you & your daughter need to work out now is how this 'opening up' may be achieved.
Your daughter also needs to really think through the long term implications of marrying someone from such a very different culture, at a time when neither of them are sure where their long term future lies - she needs to undertake some research on this in the same way that she would be studying on any other subject.
Wishing you the very best of luck & I do hope this posting helps you in some way.
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