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American Guy and Finnish Girl...

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bgood

11/21/2008 11:09 EST

Please excuse me if this is the wrong place to post this, but I'm not sure where else to do so.

I'm an American Man living in the US dating a Finnish Lady. We are happy and having a good time in each other's lives. I don't drink at all, she does. That's not really an issue for me though.

The problem is, she has a lot of local Finnish friends and they get together a lot and she invites me along. I don't speak any Finnish at all. Her friends regulary break into to Finnish discussions essentially leaving myself and all the other non finnish speaking people in the room out of the conversation. She tells me she want's me to get to know her friends, yet at about every situation this happens. I can't enter a conversation if I have no idea what they are talking about. They all speak english very well, so that's not an excuse here. From my perspective, regardless of culture or language, it's extremely rude to speak something not everyone in the setting can understand. It would be akin to walking into a room, whispering everything to one or a few people, looking around, laughing, whispering some more, and then not really tell people what you are talking about. Add to all of this, her friends drink a lot. To each his own, but I don't enjoy parties that revolve around drinking and that's what most of these events do.

I've talked to her about it, she agrees with me, but won't do anything about it and says her friends won't do anything. But then she wonders why I can't get to know these people...but gets upset if i'm unhappy or uncomfortable when it happens.

We've pretty much decided I will not be going to many of these parties or events because we both just get upset. I'd like to have the chance to get to know these people, and I just can't understand the fascination with leaving half the room out of the conversation. I've met some very nice Finns besides my girlfriend so I find it hard to believe that this is a cultural thing (which in my opinion would be far to easy of an excuse here). Take the Language and Culture out of this, and this is simply rudeness and poor people skills.

Any Helpful and Sincere Suggestions?

Thanks

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Sati

11/21/2008 12:36 EST

Just because she and they can speak English well doesn't mean it's as effortless as their mother tongue. I don't know if you speak any other languages, but as an American living in Sweden I can tell you that there is an ease and comfort for me just speaking English. It is what I know best. It is what feels natural and right to me. Living away from Finland it has got to feel great to be able to speak Finish with Finish people for her! I don't see why she can't do both. I do know that people who speak more than one language, and speak them well, sometimes don't realize what language they're speaking. They can readily morph into another language without even realizing it so it's no wonder that they all get going in English, then switch and often don't even realize it. I don't see why there's room for both. She is a Finish woman. If you love her you should not try to take the Finish out of her, but should embrace it since that is how she was when you met her and developed feelings for her. I do understand feeling left out though. It's something you'll both have to cope with. I do think you should stay home from those parties. People from the north seem to party pretty hard and if it's not your thing you'll bring a bad attitude to the event so what's the point? It may be that you two are just not right for one another as well. That's my opinion, with the limited information available.

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gigisola

2/20/2009 12:03 EST

Just a tip....learn Finnish......I did it to and since it is one of the hardest langusages to learn it took me about 5 years to understand the basics. Why does everyone have to speak english all the time. If you want to communicate and understand a culture learn it. I do speak 7 languages!!!!

Rachel

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