" My German husband and I ( I am American) lived for 5 wonderful years in Germany. Yes, it was hard at first, as I struggled to fit in and learn the language, but after 5 long years I began to feel more German than American. Since June 1999 we have been back in the states, and are trying to answer the all-consuming question: Where do we want to settle and raise our children (ages 1 and 4)? I am torn between the following: 1. enjoying the USA conveniences and thinking that there are more opportunities for me (a 37 year old woman) here in the USA AND 2. thinking that even though there are great things about the USA that I would being doing better by my children by raising them in Germany. My German husband is enjoying all of the American fun but believes that Germans are more professional and hard-working (in general) than Americans, and he does want to advance his career in Germany rather than the USA. Have any of you been through this dilemma? On one hand I think my husband''s wishes come first because he is the sole breadwinner, so it is very important that he feel comfortable. I can''t honestly say that his wishes are in opposition to mine, it''s just that I think there is so much that I will miss about the USA. (even though there is so much that I love about Germany.) Please share your input. I would appreciate if you could share your experiences, and also let me know the top three things you like the most about Germany and the top three things you like the most about the USA? (I''m curious to know how many share my opinion.) Here are my top 3 German things: 1. slower pace of life 2. the wonderful ""small town"" feel with the small bakeries, butcher shops, and the beautiful farmers'' markets on the market square. 3. the beautiful architecture and the quality of the buildings. I love the German windows! Top 3 USA things: 1. it''s easier to afford your own house with a large yard. 2. the convenience of having 2 cars. (Although I first balked at the thought of having to drive everywhere I am now used to it.) 3. the less-sexist attitude toward women. I had the feeling in German that if you were a housewife and mom that was all you would ever be. Here I feel that those roles are only one hat and that I may choose many additional hats and have society''s support in doing so. I look forward to hearing from you all. And here is one more question to ponder: Is one ever really sure if he/she has made the ""right"" decision?? "

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" Thank you for the interesting letter. My husband and I have been in SW Germany for only 10 months and we feel the same way you do about the quality of life, etc. Our situation is not the same as yours. Our children are grown and live back in the States. Hopefully, we have a few years before we have to decide whether to stay or leave. 1. Living in Germany does not mean that you could not own property in the U.S. For instance, you could purchase a home in the States and rent it out. Our property is back in California. A property management group is taking responsibility for it and doing a very good job for a small fee each month. 2. If you have the German, liberal vacation package, perhaps you could trade homes with a family in the States some summer. Six-weeks of American culture once in a while is all you may need. 3. If you return to the States try and live in a good area. This isn''t easy because, in my opinion, these areas are usually found in exclusive bedroom communities or artistic destination towns. While your housing dollar does not buy much in these areas, you and your children will have the benefit of a more European lifestyle (pedestrian zones, city parks, small shops) and your property will stay valuable or go up in value. Keep some of the traditions and things you like about Germany (shoes off in the house, after Sunday dinner walk, music lessons for the children) 4. You have probably done this. Do a two-column list (some people call this a Ben Franklin list) naming your likes and dislikes. Put everything down, even the little things; such as the comfortable feeling of knowing what everyone around you is saying, ice cubes in your Coke. If you can think of ways to mitigate the things you miss, put those down too. 5. Finally, I have found from experience that nothing is usually forever. My husband and I ended up living in 3 different areas. This happened after we got married, settled down, and decided to live in one town FOREVER. "

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" Debbie, I like you am an American married to a German and we dealt with some of the same issues that you are dealing with now last year. I have to say that we did double time in Germany -- I was there for 10 years. My three children were born there, we built a houseand and moved before it was completed. I was very well integrated speak the language and was very busy but 10 years is a long time. However, I for one do not want to go backsoon. Yes some things are great-- vacation time, salaries if you have a good degree, lazy Sundays, public transport, and social services. (although we did not qualify for anything it is nice to know they are there just in case) But I hated the quaint small townness that began to sufficate you after a while-- don''t do laundry on a Sunday!! The lack of spontinatity(spelling) the high taxes, housing costs and the school system. I am sure that where you live in the states also plays a big role in your decision making. I grew up in a small town in upstate NY. We never locked the house or car something unheard of in Germany. I think also that stay at home moms have a hard time everywhere. You get zero respect, but that is not why we do it. We unfortunately did not end up in the States like you-- we are in Malaysia and love it. I am interested to hear what you decide Katie "

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" Debbie, What field is your husband in? His comment on the work ethic was not found to always be true-- I worked for two German companies and found them both to be very slow at making decisions and relatively inconsistant in sticking to the decisions made. My husband worked at an American company then a German company and enjoyed the American company more. If he is in computers he is better off in America in my opinion. The work package is easier on an employee in Germany. I guess it depends on what you do. I did international controlling in a communications company and in a software company. My husband does retail marketing. Katie "

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" Great message! My wife is German and I am American and we have also lived in Germany for 5 years. I can think of lots of things I like and dislike about both places. Another woman posted about having a house in the US and using it during summer holidays. This works out great for us as we have a summer house in Rhode Island which we rent to University students (the German exchange students are the best - so respectful for others property!) My wife and I love going there in the summer with our daughter, seeing the relatives, going to the beach and getting that taste of America. I also work as a pan-European consultant in IT and I must say your husband''s generalization of the US business environment is false. I have seen some the laziest workers in Europe in German companies but as always it depends on the type of company and the type of industry and training of the employees. My Top 3 List: Germany 1. Relatively safe place for kids 2. Public transportation that works 3. They don''t murder their citizens US 1. Real Tex-Mex food (no canned corn!) 2. Cheap Internet access 3. No dubbed movies! As you can see I find the US more superficial but I like my Tex-Mex! Cheers, Mike "

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" Mike, I am an American working in Germany and until recently was working on an IT contract for the U.S. military. Unfortunately, the funding was cut and I''m now looking for another job and would prefer to remain in Germany. I have a BS in Aero Engineering and a MS in Computer Information Systems. Are you self-employed or are you with an IT company? Either way I would appreciate exchanging a few e-mails for some possible leads. Please reply to mjramos1@csi.com. Thanks. Miguel "

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