axelnoah
9/23/2016 15:52 EST
My philippino wife and I live in Europe, planning to move to the Phils in a few years. Lately my wife has second thoughts, because of future privacy issues. She has 11 siblings (and two parents) and in the philippino culture it would be OK for anyone of them to come and stay in our house for longer periods of time according to my wife. What is your opinion, experience? Any ideas how to avoid this issue? Thanks!
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charkee
9/23/2016 23:12 EST
Axelnoah, My wife's 19 year old nephew lives with us. He is no problem and is actually an asset as he is already a good cook and cleans without asking. He works 12 to 16 hours a day 6 to 7 days a week saving up and buying breeder pigs.
But not all her relatives are welcome, she has a sister that is a shameless thief and last time she came to visit we ran her off. She has not yet returned.
My wife lives far from her relatives, like 30 hours by bus. She was offered some farm land by her family, but we elected to stay away because of problems that could arise with siblings, cousins and second cousins and aswangs.
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Rescuer
9/24/2016 00:58 EST
axelnoah ~ Of course your wife is correct. The simple solution is don't move here or move here, but far away from the relatives. If you don't want them hounding you, simply don't tell them you are here.
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Rescuer
9/24/2016 00:58 EST
axelnoah ~ Of course your wife is correct. The simple solution is don't move here or move here, but far away from the relatives. If you don't want them hounding you, simply don't tell them you are here.
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Rescuer
9/24/2016 00:58 EST
axelnoah ~ Of course your wife is correct. The simple solution is don't move here or move here, but far away from the relatives. If you don't want them hounding you, simply don't tell them you are here.
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Slagger
9/24/2016 05:09 EST
Yes, relatives come and go as they please. They will also bring friends at times. Being an American, I really don't like it. But, it is their culture. Not much you can do about it unless you want to start a family fight. Persevere, adapt, and overcome.
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Rescuer
9/24/2016 18:59 EST
The simple solution.... Just don't tell them where you live.
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Spruik
9/24/2016 19:39 EST
Is it really not possible to make them understand there are different rules now that her husband is a foreigner?
RULE 1: Announce the day before if staying overnight.
RULE 2: Maximum stay 3 nights.
RULE 3: Visitors not to operate the TV or other stuff that makes sound.
RULE 4: No smoking anywhere in or near the house.
RULE 5: No exceptions to rules 1-4
lol
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seernai
9/24/2016 20:40 EST
Difficult to impose rules in a house you do not own that is what they have over us , sure you can argue as who pays the bills if your partner or wife is not working but you will always be a foreigner here and have little rights to lay down rules As you may have heard it's more Fun in the Philippines , my US neighbour was the same now he just bites the bullet and keeps quiet
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Rescuer
9/24/2016 21:22 EST
RULE 6: If we want to see you, we will come to your place. (Because we will never tell you where we live ;-)
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Spruik
9/25/2016 06:34 EST
I proposed a 'rule' in the form of an agreement/understanding that others won't smoke near the house.
Best response was that the brothers won't visit at all, even at a birthday party.
How the hell can it work when the friends also come without notice... and probably smoke away like chimneys. I can foresee a lot of conflict.
The lady in question is extremely jealous which in itself is scary.
I'm giving up on the idea of living in Pinay Land.
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William RussellGet QuoteWilliam Russell's private medical insurance will cover you and your family wherever you may be. Whether you need primary care or complex surgery, you'll have access to the best hospitals & doctors available. Unlike some insurers, we also include medical evacuation and mental health cover in our plans (except SilverLite). Get a quote from our partner, William Russell.
William RussellWilliam Russell's private medical insurance will cover you and your family wherever you may be. Whether you need primary care or complex surgery, you'll have access to the best hospitals & doctors available. Unlike some insurers, we also include medical evacuation and mental health cover in our plans (except SilverLite). Get a quote from our partner, William Russell. Get Quote
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seernai
9/25/2016 06:45 EST
You must learn to relax and don't get so uptight life is a lot different than life in the west try to compromise it really is not bad living here you will adapt better if you go with the flow
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ACEPoolPlayer
9/25/2016 07:47 EST
I'm a dog person. I've always had dogs and always will. As I read and sometimes contribute on this forum my dog is right here by my side when everyone else is sleeping. That alone will solve some problems. I'm lucky my wife's family are not leeches. They are all hard working with real jobs in the province (Leyte). When the time comes I'm sure I'll have my own area of the house that's off limits. Definitely no one will be allowed to smoke in our house. If you wife really loves you, it should never be an issue who officially owns the house. I know what's important to her and she knows what's important to me. No questions asked. Anything else is a compromise. That's what a good marriage needs to be.
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ACEPoolPlayer
9/25/2016 08:25 EST
Revelation!!! I just had my wife read the thread and her response was that that is the main reason why she doesn't want to live too close to her family. She doesn't want her family entering our house or hanging around our house whenever they want. That being said I'm sure her mother would be living with us atleast some of the time but she's referring to her extended family. Relatives....
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Spruik
9/25/2016 20:00 EST
>>> You must learn to relax and don't get so uptight life is a lot different than life in the west try to compromise it really is not bad living here you will adapt better if you go with the flow <<<
When it comes to smoking, there is no 'going with the flow'. Smelling cigarette smoke makes me liturally ill.
Long time ago, when smoking was still allowed on Philippine Airlines, I was on a flight from Sydney to Cebu, via Brisbane. As a non-smoker I always requested a non-smoking seat.
That time the smoking rows started just behind me and I was becoming sick of the smell (to the point of wanting to vomit). I asked the stewardes for a change of seat but was refused.
In Brisbane I decided to leave the airport and it was only then that they came running after me, as I had checked-in luggage (my only leverage).
Then they did find me another seat.
I don't want these issues in my own home. For my lady to come up with that her brothers will stay away is no solution.
Apparently she asked her family to give up smoking altogether, which is not what I asked. What I did ask is that there is no smoking inside or near the house.
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Spruik
9/25/2016 20:07 EST
Six months into the friendship, it remains unresolved.
Whenever I touch on the subject, she tells me "many times I told you my relatives are nice people".
She has never lived with a man, so there is a lot to learn... lol
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seernai
9/25/2016 20:45 EST
My partner smokes but outside only she is not allowed to smoke inside I don't allow it to take over my life life is too short so it's up to you deal with it or move on that is the bottom line
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Spruik
9/25/2016 20:55 EST
I moved on.
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seernai
9/25/2016 22:14 EST
Sorry to have been so blunt but you have to realize people are going to change here just for you it's not like western culture no matter how close you are to someone if they don't want to change they wont
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Spruik
9/26/2016 03:35 EST
That's why I moved on.
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Rescuer
9/26/2016 03:59 EST
seernai ~ Yes, I always say you can't change the culture. You can take the boy out of the Country, but you can't take the Country out of the boy. You can take the Filipino out of the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the Filipino.
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seernai
9/26/2016 04:54 EST
Most city dwellers have never seen the jungle but I know what you mean my partner is originally from the Provence but has lived here in Davao for 32 years
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Rescuer
9/26/2016 05:06 EST
Yeah, by the jungle I mean the mentality or the culture, like what I call the low bat no load mentality.
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Rescuer
9/26/2016 05:06 EST
Yeah, by the jungle I mean the mentality or the culture, like what I call the low bat no load mentality.
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ACEPoolPlayer
9/26/2016 06:59 EST
The cultural problem is Filipinos have a very difficult time saying no to friends and more so to family. There are many great things to being family oriented but in the Philippines unfortunately it goes to the extremes.
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Spruik
9/26/2016 16:08 EST
>>> have a very difficult time saying no to friends and more so to family. <<<
Reminds me of my first marriage to a Filipina.
Smoking has always been off-limit at home. There never was an issue there.
Until I came home earlier one day and the wife had a friend visiting puffing away.
Have to say I was shocked. Wife's excuse for allowing her: "she asked if she could smoke".
On the matter of house ownership and who can set the rules... tells me there is a distinct disrespect/disregard for the residents, Should have nothing to do with who owns the house.
My bottom line is that no matter what agreements exist concerning smoking in the house, chances are that from time to time you can expect to come home to a smelly house.
I think we all know about 'agreements'. lol
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