Netherlands Expat Forum

DutchActually
Joined 2014
Posts: 5

10 years ago

The 'Dark Side' to Integration

10 years ago

Hi forum!

Full disclosure first: I am Dutch, I live in the Netherlands. So I am not an expat.

I am married to an American. She has been living here for well over a year now, and she enjoys living here. By and large. Apparently, it is difficult for her to discuss with me why integrating here is so problematic for her. She accuses me of being too cavalier about the whole thing, and that I'm being too defensive when she feels otherized by the Dutch. I'll qualify that word below.

Apparently, I'm entirely stuck in my opinion that it is quite easy to get settled, and find your footing, in the Netherlands. Yes, people will look at you when they hear an accent. Yes, people will ask you where you're from a thousand times and volunteer their experiences with your country, and not always in a subtle manner. Yes, people will strike up a conversation, simply based on you not being from here (including the inescapable "And when will you go back?" question). I've read The Undutchables, I get all of that.

To me, as a Dutchman, that is mostly innocent, welcoming, understandably annoying, but not in any way vicious or otherist. Therefore, I cannot seem to address this issue without getting into a very mutually defensive fencing match with my wife. But I need to get this right.

According to my wife, there is a much darker, much more insidious nature to the otherism in the Netherlands. No matter how well-known your culture is (and, let's face it, Americans are considered well-known), no matter how well you learn and/or speak the language (my wife hasn't done that yet), no matter how social or sociable you are (we both are not, really), there is a perceptible, not always hidden, undertone of otherism in Dutch society that is disconcerting, offputting, disheartening.

It is my wife's contention that, no matter how well you integrate and adapt in the Netherlands, you will always be other, you will always be an outsider, always non-Dutch. People don't see you as a person, but as (in this case) an American person living here, and any conversation will immediately focus on that aspect. And it has a discriminating effect. It sets you apart, and not in an extraordinary way, but in an extraneous way, so to speak.

I'd love to know more about this, but my wife keeps telling me that I get defensive and apologetic, that I downplay anything negative she brings to the table. And I probably do all of that, because I come from a background of 'If it ain't Dutch, it ain't much, and the Olympics aren't helping'.

But I need to understand this, or it will break us.

So, please tell me, and don't hold back. What is the dark side of life in the Netherlands as an expat? What is negative, insidious, disheartening about trying to fit in here? Is it really impossible to just be accepted into Dutch society, or even to just be considered 'Dutch enough not to be noticed for your otherness'? Or is an expat in the Netherlands always just that? An expat, an extra, an extraneous?

Help me understand. Thank you.

P.S. have a look at http://letterfromthenetherlands.blogspot.nl/2011/05/expat-unfriendly-netherlands.html -- does that ring a bell?

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