Building an Expat Identity: Who am I if I'm not from here?

I am an expatriate, and will remain one, unless I am in my country of birth, in which case I am a repatriate. I guess, once you move countries, you acquire a tag of some kind to being a 'patriate'.

I landed in Sydney on 13th November 1988. I was 30 years old, with two children, 1 and 2 years old, and 5 suitcases. I was greeted by temperature in low thirties, humidity close to a 100% and my husband, who arrived in Sydney two weeks before, to 'settle us in'. In line with research studies, the first 3 months were a honeymoon. Everything was new and exciting; the weather was great, beaches beautiful... The fact that our apartment was practically unfurnished didn't bother me. It was like an extended budget holiday. Then the reality slowly crept in. There were days when feelings of loneliness and isolation caused me physical pain. I missed my parents and friends; I had to hide in the laundry so my kids wouldn't see me crying. I was home-starved, not home-sick. At the time I had no idea what contributed the most to this state of 'it was better at home', 'this place is horrible' and 'what have we done'!

Some years later, it finally became clear that in this move I lost not only my social and safety networks, most of all I lost my identity.

In addition to my name, that nobody could pronounce anyway, I was lacking a definition of who was behind the name. Often I felt as if I had to prove to people that I existed before 13th November 1988. That coming out of the plane on that hot and humid day wasn't my coming out of my mother's womb. On reflection - it actually was my second birth date.

Everything I used to define myself with - a good friend, funny, friendly, passionate reader, music lover... had no meaning in the new country. Everything that my family and friends used to define me and know me as, also meant nothing to all these people who I was seeing every day at work, at the bus stop, in the shops. No one smiled at me with the look of recognition when I entered a coffee shop for my morning coffee. No one recognized me at a supermarket when I was buying weekly groceries. Going to the movies or the opera would have been a lonely experience, as all my social networks were 20,000 km away. On Sundays I couldn't go to mum's for lunch, and at Christmas we didn't fight over whose parents would have us for dinner.

All my years of education and work experience were reduced to a few lines on my resume. I myself - a 30 year old mother of two children, daughter, wife, friend, neighbour, professional - was reduced to a name that meant nothing.

Re-building my identity and becoming a known name and face took years of hard work, successes and disappointments. My self-esteem and confidence over the years had many highs and lows, at times due to other people, and sometimes due to my own doing or not-doing. The first time I visited my home country I realized that I will always be both - Croatian and Australian. An ex-patriate and a re-patriate. There will always be a gap that I will have to learn how to bridge; in Croatia by defining my years of living in Australia; in Australia by defining my past. I made a breakthrough when I realized that the key of being who I am wasn't in choosing one and letting go of the other, but in learning how to be both.

7 basic skills for expatriates

Language - you don't have to speak fluent English, but it helps if you know your way around. It will help you with basic day-to-day tasks, but also to build new social networks, that are essential on your way to adjustment.

Sense of adventure - look at your new experiences and environment as an adventure. A curiosity of a child will open you to new learnings, experiences and opportunities.

Open mind - don't hang on to what you know and think is right. You will only make things worse for yourself. With an open mind, more things and people look right, which in turn helps you to be satisfied with more.

Sense of humour - the Aussie greeting 'How are you?' requires a good sense of humour! It is not a question that requires an answer, just the way Aussies say 'Hello', so it will leave you many times with an open mouth!

Acceptance - resisting your new country causes more pain. Acceptance is an essential part of change, and you are at the beginning of a massive one! Accept your new surroundings and look for good things about change: opportunities to learn, meeting new people, strengthening old ties, improving relationships, and growing as a person.

Understanding - it is important to understand what is happening to you and your family when you move countries. What is happening to you is happening to everyone who goes through a huge change of moving countries. Talk to other people and exchange experiences - you will be more accepting of the change.

Stay that you are, and become the best you can be - never let-go of who you were when you came to your new country. It is important to retain your values and beliefs as long as they are empowering you. Australia is made up of people from many different cultures. Diversity will enrich you and those around you.