News Flash: Expatriate Kids Do Become Well-Adjusted Adults

Don't worry, parents. Your children will settle in the new country, so don't use them as an excuse for turning down an international assignment. Expatriate children can - and do - grow up to be savvy, articulate, interesting, and diversity-embracing adults. Give them a chance of a lifetime, a life-altering, enriching experience.

Much has been written about the expatriate child experience, warning parents about the pitfalls of life in another country. Throughout this article, eight American children, all now thriving adults at various stages of life, recall their positive experiences of living abroad and offer practical advice (see sidebar, "A Look at Successful Expatriate Children"). While on assignment, a few attended international schools, others enrolled in local facilities, and a couple went to residential schools in the host location - and none of them would trade their education as expatriate kids for anything.

Advice to Parents: Be Open and Flexible

Never say "no" to this kind of experience because of your children, who should instead be a reason to go abroad as both they-and you-will benefit. And when you do accept the assignment, remember that how you approach the move will make an impact on the family and affect their experience. "Sometimes parents are forced to go and aren't that happy about it. When my Mom wasn't happy, then neither was I," recalls Julia. "When she started being happy, so did I." For Tannia, the experience was different. "I didn't want to go. I was [afraid] to change," she says. "But now, I miss it! I was very fortunate," she adds. "I had a mother who said, 'yeah, let's go!'" In other words, go with the right attitude:

• Be open-minded and courageous about this adventure.
• Learn to embrace change.
• Make the best of it while you can.
• Consider it a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

There's always somewhere new to go and people to meet. As Julia explains, "The feeling of not knowing what's coming next is a good thing. It's so exciting!" Share that excitement with your children by showing them that you want the adventure, too. Take full advantage of the opportunity to see and do new things, taste unfamiliar cuisine, and experiment with new hobbies. Stress how important it is for the children to learn the local language - and you will learn, too.

Although you don't have to "go native," don't try to keep everything the same as at home either because it will be different. Some things, however, will encourage familiarity and security. "Home [meant] wherever my parents were, where I had my own bedroom," Julia explains. "Every place we went, we always had our same furniture, as though it was really my home."

It also helps to create new little family traditions while maintaining your own value system and beliefs. As Steve remembers, "Your families get closer. You only have each other."

What steps can you take to promote healthy parent-child interaction?

• Talk openly about everything, and be there to listen and support each other.
• Keep your children informed throughout the relocation process.
• Get involved in your children's school. Seriously consider sending them to one of the local schools, if possible, to really learn about the culture.

And if you're a non-working parent, make the effort to be active, even if it is forced at first. Take the children on visits to the surrounding region. "I liked how my parents educated me in the international culture. They let me experience it at my own pace," Michael recalls. "My parents didn't have an international connection growing up. Little trips to see the country and the region were good for them, too."

The adjustment will also be easier if you give your children a little freedom and be flexible about the rules you had at home. Stephanie believes that "everyone should experience living in another country so people could learn to be flexible if nothing else." When your children are trying to be accepted among their new peer group, it helps if they are allowed to do what the local kids are doing. But before they go out and play, remember that as expatriates, they will find themselves in more diversity situations, so prepare the family accordingly to avoid misunderstanding and surprises.

Be willing to let them exercise more independence, even if it is a little frightening for them - and for you. By using common sense, they will build confidence and develop a strong bond with you, based on mutual respect. "I don't know what I would have been like had I not gone on assignment, but I am more my own person now," affirms Susan. "When I started my business career, I was the first woman in every job I had. I think [I possessed] an independence and confidence to be the one who was different because I'd been that before."

Advice to Expatriate Children: Be Yourself

To enhance the experience, don't just spend time with people from your own country-socialize as much as possible with neighborhood children and schoolmates. Hopefully, your parents will encourage this interaction and invite them over. Make it fun-speak your new friends' language and encourage them to speak yours. Don't be afraid, don't hide, and don't try to fit in right away just to be accepted. Remember, you don't have to find your best friend in two weeks. As Pam now says, "I tend towards the more worldly people. My two best friends in my neighborhood are Canadian, and my two best friends at work are Indian."

Children often find meeting people from other cultures to be an easier process than adults do. "When you're a kid," Tannia explains, "you don't think about prejudice. All you want to do is play." Steve adds this reassurance, "Your children will associate with all these other cultures. They don't have the opportunity to learn bias [or] dwell on it." Besides, Julia adds, "when you're 8, it doesn't matter as long as you have ice cream in front of you!" (See sidebar, "Kids, It's All About Attitude.")

But talking about their background with people they would meet was sometimes tricky. "Questions like 'where are you from?' were difficult," recalls Aaron, a lifetime expatriate child. "I didn't want to be pretentious and give them a 15-minute answer, or just say 'New Jersey' and completely do the international experience a disservice. I perfected the relationship-building technique. I loved going out and meeting new people. It was sink or swim."

Julia's experience was similar. "I find it easy to meet new people and make new friends. It's natural, really easy to talk to anyone&. And when people ask where I'm from, I have to think. 'You mean, what passport do I have? I have two.' But that answer won't work! So I say, 'American-Brazilian, but I've lived in many different places.' You just want to keep it simple."

Most people like to talk about themselves and their culture, so open yourself to the people around you. Don't limit yourself - and don't make judgments. "That bond with people is very valuable," Steve recalls. "You appreciate cultures for what they are."

For some children, learning about a new culture and speaking a new language are easy, as evidenced by Susan, who "became very good with languages. In 8th grade, I took six [languages] at the same time. I never did take American History though!" she says.

But there's more to maximizing your experience than simply speaking the native tongue. You also have to respect local customs and know what's expected of you in turn. "If you respect [the other culture]," Julia believes, "they will respect you, even if local people come first in societies 'closed' to foreigners."

The Best Thing About Being an Expatriate Kid...

Living abroad changes you. "It gives you a perspective on anything - world politics, thinking globally - a different angle on everything and a different understanding that leads to empathy," says Aaron. "I don't rush to judge." Michael's experience left him with a similar reaction. "I helped pass out Christmas gifts in orphanages. It brought me a desire to help people and be really conscious of the less fortunate. We helped out during floods that washed away people's homes. We cleaned mud out of living rooms," Michael remembers. "Once you see how the other side lives, you'll appreciate how you live. You have it good." Expatriate children find their eyes opened to the world, an experience they often want to share with their own children.

All these experiences - people, memories, everything you have learned, and the stories you have to tell - are part of who you are today. "You are different than 98 percent of the people out there and can contribute more to conversations than many others. It's always been a blessing to me to be a little different," says Michael. "I keep little things around my house that I've collected-a reminder to where I've been and where I'm going."

Above all, remember that it won't last forever-it's a temporary situation, so enjoy it. When you move back home, you will miss the country, the experience, and your new friends. So think of your international assignment as a journey. Be positive even if you're sad to leave your life behind. You won't necessarily lose your friends and stand to gain so much more. And remember, wherever you are, it's your home.

Adrienne Talani, SPHR, MSODA is founder of the Adrienne Alliance, a human resources consultancy in Cleveland, Ohio. She can be reached at e-mail [email protected] or www.theadriennealliance.com.

"A Look at Successful Expatriate Children"

Here's a glimpse of the former expatriate children who contributed to this article:

• Tannia and her little sister, with parents from Honduras, were middle school children in Brussels and London. Now in her 20s, Tannia is a human resources professional in Houston, who says, "I wouldn't trade the experience for the world. I want to raise my kids that way."
• Susan, also with a little sister sharing the experience, lived in Canada and The Netherlands from age 5 to 14. As an executive coach in her early 50s living in Sugar Land, Texas, Susan and her family still discuss and reminisce about their wonderful time together as expatriates. They have an "inside speak," almost like a secret society, and Susan attributes their closeness to their time abroad. "We were the only expatriate family in the town we were living in [during the 1960s in The Netherlands]. We pretty much had each other, and that was it. Television was only on for three hours a night, on two stations. All we had to watch were reruns of Bonanza and Hogan's Heroes with subtitles!"
• Aaron was a "professional expatriate child," born in Hong Kong, then moved to Dubai, Greece, Japan, and Singapore, with summers in the United States. He and his older sister moved with their mother and father. Aaron double majored in government and Asian studies, and now, in his late 20s, works as a senior consultant with one of the Big Four consultancies in New York City. Says Aaron, "I bridge the gap for people."
• Steve was a teenager in Italy and Belgium. He was one of seven children, with the youngest only three weeks old when they left the United States, and one older sister left behind to graduate from high school (a move she regrets to this day because she never had their wonderful shared experience). Now a training manager for a large retail concern, Steve says, "It'll be the best experience you'll ever have-you and your kids."
• Stephanie from Atlanta is now a college student majoring in journalism. She spent three years in the UK with her parents and younger brother. "I was the American kid, so I was instantly Miss Popular. They didn't even know me. It was kind of tempting, thinking you were 'it,' but that lasted about three months. People became envious of me, and then took it out on me." Her advice: "Don't let other people's judgments or envy change who you really are just to be accepted. It's not going to make you happy in the long run. I didn't have to wear Abercrombie & Fitch to be accepted in the UK. Just be yourself!"
• Julia, currently a college student in Lausanne, Switzerland is studying hotel management. She, too, was a professional expatriate child, born in Haiti to a Brazilian mother and American father, on assignments to Brazil where her sister was born, followed by Mozambique and Botswana. She attended boarding school in Switzerland while her parents were on assignment in Cameroon and Nigeria and speaks four languages. "If someone is interested in who I am," she says, "they have to know [that I lived abroad]. But [people] shouldn't feel ashamed if they haven't had these opportunities. They should listen and learn."
• Michael, now in his mid 20s, works in financial services in Atlanta after obtaining a degree in international relations from Emory University. He spent five years in Chile, where he attended an international school based on the American way of teaching; junior and senior years were spent in a Boston boarding school. Michael completed a six-month internship in Cyprus for the U.S. State Department. "I loved my experience. It's what made me want to be around many different people," he says. "I decided to get an international relations degeree and make it a way of life.'
• Pam, now in her early 40s, is a Florida State University nursing graduate and mother of three boys, living in Katy, Texas with her geophysicist husband, an ex-"Army brat." ("I married what I consider an expatriate, too!") Pam spent nearly her whole childhood as an expatriate in Bogotá, Colombia for nine years, where two of her three sisters were born, and then in Trinidad until age 19 where she followed the British School system. Her advice to parents: "Do children's activities as well as adult activities, even [things you are not interested in]. Don't visit every museum, though. Let them climb on rocks or something."

Kids, It's All About Attitude

Don't focus on the things you are missing, but rather on what you are experiencing (which you would have missed had you stayed at home). If you're down and feeling depressed, get busy! Have fun! Experience everything you can.

• "In history class, we read about Buckingham Palace," Tannia recalls. "The next day, we went to Buckingham Palace."
• Susan's experience with palaces was a little different: "My boarding school was actually in a castle complete with a moat."
• And as Steve remembers, "Field trips were awesome. We didn't just go to the zoo, we went to Switzerland! We did a lot of overnight traveling in my high school basketball league. Brussels played Paris-that was our league."

Be inquisitive and open-minded to see the possibilities inherent in the opportunity presented as well as the changes that are happening. Don't be afraid to ask your parents questions. Talk through things that you see and don't understand or that make you feel uncomfortable.

Reprinted with the permission of the ORC. This article first appeared in ORC's Expatriate Observer.