| Let the Adventure Begin! A Week-by-Week Guide to Moving Abroad
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28 Weeks Until Move: The Accompanying Spouse - How to Transition Your Relationship Abroad
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Note: this is an excerpt of our free e-newsletter, Let the Adventure Begin!. For full access, please subscribe to the e-version of Let the Adventure Begin! (free). This is a synopsis of an e-newsletter issue of Let the Adventure Begin! Subscribe today (free) and you'll receive weekly e-newsletters starting 8 months before your approximate move date and running through your first four months abroad, you'll receive weekly e-newsletters with timely advice related to where you are in the preparation and settling in processes.
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| Understanding Expat Spouses
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Some of the most prominent complications surrounding an expatriate assignment can be issues that arise from an international transferee's spouse. Sometimes referred to as expat spouses or trailing spouses, these significant others that agree to follow their loved ones to a foreign land often find the transistion from their old life to a new country to be daunting.
Importantly, expat spouses should not be viewed as the source of problems. Even more broadly, individuals alone are rarely the cause of problems in families. Rather, couples and families are "systems" in which each dyad - the relationship between two family members - is impacted by all other members of the family.
For example, the husband-wife dyad is affected by the oldest child - and the youngest child - and all others in a family. The opposite is true, too - each family member is affected by the relationship that exists between any two members of the family. The classic example in many cultures is that when a husband and wife drift apart, the wife/mother may get more involved with one of the children. Perhaps overinvolved, which will have a negative impact on the mother-child relationship. But remember, the problem between the mother-child arose because of the state of the husband-wife dyad. Families - even couples - are complex systems that inevitably will be affected by a move abroad. The trick is to carefully evaluate the system as it exists before such a transition is agreed to or embarked upon.
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| Some Important Considerations
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What are important factors to consider?
Will the expat spouse be able to work, if they so desire? In many countries, it is quite difficult to obtain a work visa for a spouse. It's generally one per couple, which makes it important to find some other alternative if you feel that not being able to work is going to create a void in your new life. There's no better time to enroll in a course you've longed to take or even to pursue a degree that will be helpful for you in the future. What about a new hobby or charity work? You have to find something - be proactive in finding what will give you a sense of purpose in your new life. As Julia Ferguson Andriessen writes in her article Accompanying or Trailing Spouse - How it can be a gift, remember that "your career and your dreams do not need to be put on hold!"
What is the existing strength of the husband/wife relationship? One of the most valuable areas of preparation for a couple that considers a move to another country is to actively explore the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship. Be honest with one another about any existing issues or areas of concern you have should you ultimately move abroad. Before you move abroad, improve your ability as a couple to negotiate with one another in good faith. Both members of the couple need to understand that you need to be willing to compromise, and sometimes even lose disagreements, in order for the family system to come out on top.
What will each of you be responsible for once you move abroad? Be aware that flexibility in your new roles may also be a critical factor. One of the biggest problems that confronts families is an unwillingness to see change take place within the system. A move abroad demands flexibility!
Will there be children that move abroad? If a couple has a child or children that will enroll in school, it is important to be prepared to quickly move to provide resources should there be a problem with the transition. If a child starts to have a problem, use whatever resources are available to help work through these problems. Tackle challenges as they arise rather than allow them to become full-blown crises.
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| This Issue Written by Joshua Wood
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Joshua Wood is one of the owners of ExpatExchange.com. In addition to expatriates and international relocation, he has written about numerous other topics over the last 15 years. He is also a licensed counselor and psychotherapist, and one of his primary areas of interest is the psychological impact of international relocation.
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