Expat Advice: Relationships in Utrecht, Netherlands

What is the name of the city or town that you are reporting on?

Utrecht

What is your current status? Are you single, dating, in a long-term relationship, married or divorced?

For the past 8 months, I've been a married woman! My husband is Dutch and I moved to his home country, the Netherlands, after we married.

We had a whirlwind relationship: met briefly in early September 2007 (by briefly, I mean 10 seconds max!), started emailing the middle of that same month, changed to Skype at the end of October, I made my first visit to the Netherlands to spend a weekend with him the end of November, we got engaged March 2008 and married the following November!

What is it like in your country of residence for someone with your relationship status (married/divorced/dating)? If you're single, how do you meet other people? Do English-speaking people tend to gravitate to certain parts of your city?

Honestly, most Netherlanders don't get married. Most of my husband's friends have registered partners, but only one other Dutch couple in his circle of friends is married.

Now, however, big American-style weddings are on the rise, but mostly weddings are small, comparatively quiet events, and - from what I've seen - tend to take place on weekday afternoons.

I have also learned that, unless the couple is Catholic, it is the norm to wear wedding bands on the right hand, which is not the same practice in the US. The idea of an engagement period/engagement ring is also not common.

Taking my husband's last name was a no-brainer for me: that's what my mother, both grandmothers and the majority of the married women I know did. And I had always planned to do so. But very rarely does a Dutch woman take her husband's last name. Having gone through all kinds of ordeals with changing my name and the results of doing so, I think the Dutch way is far more practical!

If you have children, what advice would you give to others making a similar transition to your country of residence?

My husband and I are still a bit too newly wed to have gotten to children yet. I did, however, bring my dog with me from the US. Pets are more often than not equal family members and I think it's a shame that there's not more said about what effect it has on the pet to move and be moved.

My dog's name is Turner and he's made the adjustments quite well: country to city; The United States to the Netherlands. I think he enjoys having a Daddy and likes the apartment lifestyle.

To get him into the Netherlands wasn't difficult. He needed a microchip, an airline compliant carrier, updated rabies shots, and a health certificate. What still doesn't make sense to me is that I had to have him chipped before leaving the US, only to find out upon arrival that European scanners don't read US microchips. I had to have my dog chipped twice, which I did not appreciate at all. I wish now that I had done a bit more research.

I think the most important thing once you're in your new country is to find a fantastic vet and a pet hotel or caregiver that you can trust while you're on vacation. Ask around and if you're not happy with what you've found, change. Also make sure to have a list of questions to ask the vet or caregiver before taking your pet in. Also see if they'll let you visit the premises with your pet before making any decisions.

If you plan on taking your pet out of your new country, it will need a passport. You can get this from your vet.

I still wonder what went through Turner's head in the first few months after coming here. We gave him a sedative on the plane, so I don't think he was very aware during arrival and the journey from the airport to his new home. People he was used to he now sees only on occasion. The other dog he lived with he hasn't seen in almost a year and the home he knew is lost. Everything must smell and look so different.

Regardless of whether it's child or pet, I think it's most important to keep the routine you had before the move as much as possible. Make sure there are familiar things in your new home (furniture, toys, photos, paintings, etc) so that not everything is shockingly new and different. And try to get acquainted with your new lifestyle as quickly as possible. Immediately find playgroups, schools, extracurricular activities, meet your neighbors, go sightseeing and traveling around your new country, familiarize yourself with your neighbors and neighborhood.

If you do not have children, do you generally spend your social time with other expat couples? If not, what else do you like to do as a couple?

I was lucky enough to have found out about the International Women's Contact Utrecht before moving here. I went to my first event the same week I landed. It was such a blessing to meet so many wonderful, like-minded women who had "been there, done that".

In addition, I joined some expat groups on meetup.com and established relationships with my husband's non-Dutch colleagues. I don't have a job at the moment, so I do a lot of sightseeing and museum hopping.

During the week, my husband and I mostly stay in and watch movies. But on weekends, we travel and go sightseeing or out for a walk in the woods with our dog. I also organize expat events that are not affiliated with any of the groups I belong to. We rarely do out to eat, but do have dinner at friends' or invite friends over for dinner at our home.

If you are married or in a relationship with a person of another nationality, how has this experience enriched you as a person. What kind of challenges do you face?

My husband's English is excellent, but we do sometimes have miscommunications due to language. Because English is not his native language, he sometimes says things that he thinks are miniscule that I find positively offensive (it's sort of like cussing in a different language - it doesn't seem as serious).

There's also the difference in culture. It's very American to get overly excited about everything. "You colored that picture? Awesome! Way to go!" It's very Dutch to see it for exactly what it is. "Oh, did you color that picture? It' looks nice." I always need to stop and remember that he's not belittling my achievements if he doesn't light fireworks over them!

But never has my husband tried to change me. He appreciates the fact that I am American and I am different. And I've learned that even though I live in a new country with a different language and a different culture, there's no shame in continuing to be proud to be an American. We both realize that I need to learn and embrace the new, but not forget who I am.

What would be the best advice you could give someone with your relationship status that lives in your country of residence? Any other thoughts?

Get out right away and start doing things. A lot of women in my position don't have jobs. And I think it's easy to stay at home and build your own little world. But I highly recommend doing the opposite.

Explore and learn about your new surroundings. My husband, after living in Utrecht for 6 years doesn't know street names and locations like I do! Go out into town, go shopping, meet people for coffee, join clubs and groups, join a gym, take some classes, get accustomed to the culture.

Get a museumkaart (good for over 400 museums and castles in the Netherlands, most entry is free, card costs about 40 Euro and is good for a year) and start going sightseeing. I've been up to the top of the Dom tower twice since being here. My husband has only ever been in once, and that was at my insistence!

I started driving here right away. It's increased my mobility which, in turn, increased my social life. It's also making the process of getting my Dutch driver's license much easier a lot easier! And learn to cycle or, if you already know how, brush up on those skills. You really can't live in the Netherlands without a bicycle!

Wait a little while before starting work. This way you can get acquainted and settled in before having to worry about going to work. Having a job makes you feel more useful and accomplished and is a great way to meet people.

And, most importantly, learn the language. It will make you feel so much more at home and the Dutch really appreciate your efforts. Besides, I met one of my closest friends here during a Dutch class we took!