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Very confused, don't know if I can trust my Filipina wife

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SamK
  6/30/2019 06:05 EST

Before I can divulge any details. I will just give a short summary.

I am an expat based in Taiwan. I found and married a Filipino blue collar worker there. I did love her, I guess I still do.

Before marriage we dated for 1.5 years. We didn't live together but met once or twice a week. She argued over little things every week. Constant arguments. I tried to end it many times but I was too weak and couldn't see her cry. The same tears led me to marry her when her factory contract ended. That way she could stay in Taiwan.

After marriage, things got much much worse. The arguments reached a frequency of 4 to 5 days a week. I think she has had over a thousand arguments with me ever since I met her in mid-2016. Is that too much ? You don't have to trust me but just assume for a moment that I am not lying or exaggerating when I say that each argument was started by her, usually over little things. The only major factor was that I had to support my little brother as he was going through a rough time. She constantly argued with me about him. She hated it. It was one sided. I told her it was my parents request that I help him. He was like a son to me. I just needed some time to help him on his feet and then he would leave.. But after months of fighting, she eventually did force me to kick out my own brother. And she wouldn't let me call him or even meet him. I had to do that in secret. Anyways, that's just the only major issue I can think of. But most arguments were over little, stupid and immature things.

I have begged her a thousand times to stop. I just wanted to live in peace. She always promised she would change after every threat of divorce but she would just starts the next day again. Slowly I went in to depression. My sadness eventually turned to resentment and anger. (But I have never touched or harmed her. I am not type of person).

I eventually decided to divorce her because she made my life a living hell. Unfortunately (and it's my mistake) just when I was about to leave her I found out she is pregnant.

So I cancelled my plans and decided to start fresh. Sadly she didn't change but for some reason got even worse. I finally asked her to leave while she was 4 months pregnant. She is now in Philippines. She is begging me to let her come back. I am very close to forgiving her because she is crying, and I feel very very guilty , especially about the baby. She tells me how her pregnancy is at risk due to lack of medical care there. Medical here in Taiwan is much better. I feel that if I don't help her and the baby I would be indirectly harming the baby. But I am so scared that once she comes back she will torture me again.

I am in such a bad position now where I have to either sacrifice myself or my unborn child. I need help. Can I trust her ? She had a thousand chances to stop her behavior but didn't, why should I trust her now ?

ACEPoolPlayer
  6/30/2019 08:26 EST

Sam,
First question, what country are you original from? It helps in understanding you better. Are you 100% sure the baby is yours? Not that every Filipina has these characteristics but it's not uncommon. DO NOT TAKE HER BACK TO TAIWAN!

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bbazor
  6/30/2019 08:28 EST

I would not trust her. You already made a few mistakes by giving her so many chances and then marrying her. Just send her a little money to take care of the kid. She is probably exaggerating about the medical care. Many kids are born here everyday. She knows that her only chance is to make you guilty. If I were you and could get a legal divorce, I would do it.

LarryKar
  6/30/2019 08:36 EST

If you had not said she was Filipino I would swear you married my ex from back in the USA. I only know my own area and not knowing where your Gal is I can't say. But at least from my observation hundreds of babies manage to get born every day in the Philippines. I live in a town of 30k in far north Luzon. Within 5 miles of my home there are two maternity " hospitals ". Actually birthing clinics but with wards for the new Moms to stay. I think you are being told tall tales to put put it politely. Good luck my Friend.

LarryKar
  6/30/2019 08:39 EST

If you had not said she was Filipino I would swear you married my ex from back in the USA. I only know my own area and not knowing where your Gal is I can't say. But at least from my observation hundreds of babies manage to get born every day in the Philippines. I live in a town of 30k in far north Luzon. Within 5 miles of my home there are two maternity " hospitals ". Actually birthing clinics but with wards for the new Moms to stay. I think you are being told tall tales to put put it politely. Good luck my Friend.

LarryKar
  6/30/2019 08:41 EST

If you had not said she was Filipino I would swear you married my ex from back in the USA. I only know my own area and not knowing where your Gal is I can't say. But at least from my observation hundreds of babies manage to get born every day in the Philippines. I live in a town of 30k in far north Luzon. Within 5 miles of my home there are two maternity " hospitals ". Actually birthing clinics but with wards for the new Moms to stay. I think you are being told tall tales to put put it politely. Good luck my Friend.

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charkee
  6/30/2019 08:51 EST

It sounds like your wife has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or is a Borderline.

She is not to be trusted, she will never change, no matter how hard you try, she will never be happy with your efforts.

She may have purposely gotten pregnant to keep you in her snare. You are her bank and financial security.

You need to realize that the arguing and tormenting is being done on purpose. It gives her a thrill and I high that fills the empty void within.

That is why she finds any small problem (real or imaginary) to blow sky high. Its all a game to her.

My advice is to get out of there and never look back.

As for the child she will ruin him/her. She will turn him against you when he gets older. It is not worth the effort or having your life ruined by this bitch. You will not help the child and you will never help her. There is no cure for NPD and your child may have the DNA for this disorder.

Notice how she turned you against your own family, that is textbook NPD behavior.

Please get rid of her, before you end up doing something drastic and go "No Contact".

SamK
  6/30/2019 10:47 EST

I am originally from India but I have been an expat most of my life.
To answer your question, no I am not sure 100% if the baby is mine. The reason why I didn't stop physical intimacy with her even though I was thinking of divorce is because I didn't think it was possible I could impregnate her. That's because we had been trying for over a year and the doctors had consistently told me that there was something wrong on my side. The month in which she told me she got pregnant I had gotten some tests done and results should zero in everything, even though I am young and physically fit. The doctor said it wasn't normal but they would help get to the bottom of it. So i was really shocked when she told me she was pregnant just 10 days after that meeting with the doctor.

SamK
  6/30/2019 11:07 EST

Thats one of the biggest reasons I can't trust her. I am afraid she will turn the kid against me one day. She is always calling me a bad husband. I am far from perfect but I pretty sure I am giving her a good life considering how poorly she treats me.

I am sacred she will turn the kid against me one day. The kid isn't born and she is already tell me what a bad father I am.

I don't understand how she manages to do it. Always be the aggressor yet make me feel guilty every time I try to take a stand for myself or try to complain about her behavior.

Asawa
  6/30/2019 12:06 EST

Based on what you've said, you'll likely just end up where you already are (again in the future).

It would be kind and honorable to subsidize (within reason) your child to prevent undue hardship. I don't know that you should be moved to support an extravagant lifestyle, but ensuring that there is food would be fair.

If you can establish some type of a mechanism to transfer a regular expected amount (with minimal interaction), that might be wise.

Or, if she has any relatives who are less distressing to deal with... you could work through one of them as a go-between to ensure that the child has a reasonable quality of life.

If you keep trying to make it work, the odds are that the same issues and tendencies will cause it to fail (again and again). When you change nothing, nothign changes. And, the only think in your power to control is your reaction to her and your presence.

The world isn't black and white, and you are living in a sea of grays. People have free will, and can orchestrate situations so messed up that there aren't answers -- merely choices.

It's romantic to think that there is a "Solution to every problem", but that is often not reality. You have choices to mitigate (limit) or exacerbate (increase) the strain and issues. None of them is likely a true solution. Most of your choices are just different paths to navigate the situation.

You are the expert on your situation and the particulars. Everyone else will provide advice that brings in their own baggage, and they'll fill in gaps with their own assumptions. Thus, you'll probably just have to pick a path.

My $0.02 -- Clean break. Support the child if you can (without him/her being a hostage). Try to work through an intermediary to limit contact if direct contact is unhealthy. Be prepared to be estranged from your biological child if you take this course of action, and assume the choice that you are about to make is irrevocable.


Perhaps also -- As a cautionary tale -- See the other recent thread about the guy who did everything wrong and now is unhappy because someone else is has stepped up to Raise his child.

That's the limited wisdom that I have to offer.

Mandaluwrong1
  6/30/2019 12:08 EST

Hi Sam K..

Please look at this checklist and tell me how many of this list of characteristics she may have exhibited..

1.Physical violence towards you
2.Fights over Money.
3.Money going missing.
4.Telling lots and lots of lies.
5.Threats of suicide.
6.Shouting and Screaming very loudly at you.
7.Blackmail.
8.Tearful Episodes and apologies.
9.An possible addiction to social media.
10.A short span of attention.
11.Overeating.
12.Threats of getting you locked up on fake allegations/trumped up charges.
13.Self harm.
14.Asking you to buy her a new phone constantly,and "accidentally" breaking her old one if you do not cough up.
15.Laziness.
16.Stories of ill health in her family in an effort to get money out of you.
17.Going berserk and throwing household objects about.

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Mandaluwrong1
  6/30/2019 12:08 EST

Hi Sam K..

Please look at this checklist and tell me how many of this list of characteristics she may have exhibited..

1.Physical violence towards you
2.Fights over Money.
3.Money going missing.
4.Telling lots and lots of lies.
5.Threats of suicide.
6.Shouting and Screaming very loudly at you.
7.Blackmail.
8.Tearful Episodes and apologies.
9.An possible addiction to social media.
10.A short span of attention.
11.Overeating.
12.Threats of getting you locked up on fake allegations/trumped up charges.
13.Self harm.
14.Asking you to buy her a new phone constantly,and "accidentally" breaking her old one if you do not cough up.
15.Laziness.
16.Stories of ill health in her family in an effort to get money out of you.
17.Going berserk and throwing household objects about.

Mandaluwrong1
  6/30/2019 12:14 EST

and finally...

18.JEALOUSY....and criticising other girls.

surfingcebu
  6/30/2019 12:29 EST

Mandal- you hit The nail on the head with your questions. Perfect. If he has 4 to 5 of these items, I would run.

offtoph20
  6/30/2019 14:40 EST

SamK - mental illness in a spouse is a very difficult thing to deal with. You said a couple of things that I can relate to - “She is always calling me a bad husband.” and “I don't understand how she manages to do it. Always be the aggressor yet make me feel guilty every time I try to take a stand for myself or try to complain about her behavior.” These are manipulative behaviors exhibited by people with certain types of mental illnesses. I have firsthand experience with someone diagonsed with Bipolar Disorder that exhibits the same kind of behavior but from what I’ve read there is some overlap between the various diagnoses. Medication can help but is not a magic cure and the person that is ill has to agree to take it and in a lot of cases they don’t realize they are ill and therefore either flat out refuse to take medication or hide the fact that they have stopped taking the medication. It sounds like you may be well past trying to make it work with your wife and no one can blame you for that, in fact it may be best thing for you to walk away and take care of yourself as suggested by other posters. Only you can make that decision. Being with a manipulative mentally ill person is not a nice situation to be in and can eventually destroy you and everything you have. You said “I am not sure 100% if the baby is mine”, if you really want to know only a DNA test can tell you. If you don’t trust her there probably is a good reason.


Asawa - you gave some wise words of wisdom. You have to change something or you keep getting the same results. The world certainly is a lot of grays and definitely not black and white. Advice is good but we all have to pick our own path.

JWShortridge
  6/30/2019 15:45 EST

Hello Sam,
My heart goes out to you because I can directly relate to what you are going through. What scares me the most though......is that for once I completely agree with everything that has been said in response to your post. You have been given some outstanding advice from the gentlemen who have responded to you. Please, Sam, listen to them. Recognize that you have a very significant issue and weakness in regards to this lady. You submit to her even when you know its wrong and unhealthy. And I say again, I can directly relate to your situation. You're not alone brother. You must take a big step back from her and DO NOT communicate with her directly. Use an intermediate of some type. She is purposely manipulating to for fill her own interest. And as many have said here, she will not change. You deserve the peace your desire Sam and you deserve to be happy. It's your choice, chose peace and happiness for you. Also, I feel it's 99% that this is not your child. But do the right thing and offer pregnancy and baby support until the baby is born and test to see if its your child. If she refuses the test, then that is verification in itself as the Dr has already to you you are shooting blanks. Good Luck to you Brother.

SamK
  6/30/2019 23:27 EST

Hi Asawa,

Thank you for your wisdom. Everything you said is logical and makes total sense to me.

Deep down my gut is telling me the same thing. That it's impossible for someone to change who they are. It's extremely unlikely that I would be at this situation. Yet my stupid heart clouds my rational judgement. We are emotional beings. That's what makes us great but also what makes us stupid. I know I am being stupid but sometimes I can't help it.

I am of course willing to support the child and even her. After I sent here away to Philippines. I tried my best to end everything in a civil way. I told her I would support her in every way. I just wanted to get my life back. Unsurprisingly she said she didn't want the money, she just wanted me and that she loved me, and she wanted the father of her baby etc. etc. etc.. Deep down I know she DOES need the money. She lives 500 miles from manila in some remote village where her house is in the middle of nowhere surrounded by nothing in every direction. I don't mean to look down at anyone. I myself come from an extremely poor background, so I would never judge anyone. But I have worked hard my entire life. I lifted my entire family out of poverty. I am now a specialist in Taiwan and probably in the top 10% of salary earners here. But I am not saying all this to show my pride. Just showing the hardships I went through to get where I am , just so I could give a good life to those I care about.

Getting back to her village. She is from a poor background. Poverty isn't the issue here but I found her family to be very prideful, ungrateful, even when I paid for the entire wedding there which was lavish by local standards. In terms of family compatibility, there was none. Her father sits home and drinks all day.. Her mother works the farm. Her brothers I could never figure out in 2 years what they do. Seems like they are always drinking and playing cards. She was the only one working it seems. I even suspect she sends them money behind my back. I often find money finishes quickly but I have never taken the time to investigate. I did send her parents 3000 USD recently because she was crying for their hardships.. Then in one argument (even though I didn't mention it) she said she would throw back the money in my face. This is just few days after I had helped her family. Her response was due to my complaints of her bad behavior. I was just telling her that I was being good to her but she was nonstop complaining of how bad a husband I am.

Anyways, her family is not of the same standard as ours. My father is a teacher, and all my siblings are PhDs and professors. I don't mean to say we are better. Just different. We come from a very poor but hardworking and well-educated family.
Though education doesn't always equal to civil. Let's assume it does in this case. And that's the reason we never treated her badly, never looked down on her. Me and my family treated her exceptionally well. Once she became a part of my family. Her lifestyle upgraded tenfolds. I gave her a good life in Taiwan. I didn't ask for anything in return. Just wanted her to be decent, be good, be happy. But she has tortured me endlessly..

I am sorry, I keep going off topic. I can't even concentrate.

Bottom-line, she says she doesn't need the money, but I know she does. I am absolutely willing to support her. But she refuses it (or at least pretends to)

SamK
  7/1/2019 00:40 EST

Hi JWShortridge,

Thank you for the heartfelt response. It means a lot. I am far from perfect. I have a lot of shortcomings but I admit to everything I am.

I have lived in agony for the last 2 years as she convinced me I was the actual bad guy, not her.

It's good to get some validation that I am not crazy for fighting back, for taking a stand for myself.

I am so tired and feel so weak, but I live in a country where I don't speak the local language and no one believes me..

I complain to everyone, my family and friends, and her family and friends.. But each time, they talk to her, they think I am he one who is the culprit because she cries a lot.. and when she does it's so convincing..

There are almost days when I feel maybe I am the one who's wrong. I have started doubting myself.

I wished I had asked for help like a year ago.. To know that I am not alone facing such women. Of course I am not against women in anyway.. Hey, we all have mothers and sisters too..

But there are certain types.. and there's no level of IQ or intelligence that can protect a man from such manipulative women..

I have been made a fool.. And even now she is trying to take advantage of me.

I have heard all the good advices here. I keep hearing the same thing.. Even though deep down I was hoping for the opposite. I was hoping someone would say, "it will get better.." But that's just the state of mind I am in.. Always hoping , because sadly I still love her.

I will take the time to think my brothers, I will think and decide what I should do.

Also, I wonder if there are any women here who can give me their thoughts. It would mean a lot to hear what other women think of this. Is this normal ?

Mandaluwrong1
  7/1/2019 08:04 EST

"I did send her parents 3000 USD recently because she was crying for their hardships.."

I suggest her family will have "Noche Buena" all day,every day for a month or so with this money,before going skint again and coming back for more later in the future.

You are going through something i can relate to,and you have my sympathies,Sam.

Asawa
  7/1/2019 09:37 EST

I'm going to throw out another idea from years of observation.

It's possible that some women are "fairly good people" but they are just not good for you.

For whatever reason, the nature of your relationship has developed so much baggage (trust, pain points, grudges, fears, etc) that it's merely become an interpersonal issue that can not be solved.

I have seen train-wrecks of relationships end, and both parties end up happy with someone else within 1-2 years with no hints of the problems that existed prior. I've also seen ladies change after the breakup -- but only for another person because it was a good segway into a different relationship without the pain points of the old one.

By trying to hold things together past the point where it's healthy, you may not be doing anyone any favors. You may be burning youth and time that is better spent healing, regrouping, and recovering for whatever comes next.

Sometimes it's not that "a relationship can't work". It's that "the relationship cant work with you because of history".

This is even true (sometimes especially true) when a woman knows that they are partly to blame but is too proud to admit it because of the patterns that have developed. The guilt is a trap that creates an aversion, and the only way to break that cycle is seperation and restarting with someone new -- where there is no baggage.

When staying together is largely an affect of "We've been together for so long, and we've been through so much..." that's can be a terrible reason to continue.

It's romantic to think that "Struggles bring folks closer". A more cynical person would conclude, "Struggle wear you down, reduce your tolerance, and make you tired."

Consider if your empathy and equivocation is actually more cruel (in the long run) than walking away. You may be making everything worse by offering hope and remaining present for dialog.

Try to think about where you want to be in 2-5 years. This does not sound like a situation where you end up with an amicable (let's be friends) style breakup.

Consider whether there is in value in maintaining any type of relationship. If not, then consider ending it cleanly with a few provisions (if possible with limited contact) to see to the welfare of the child (if that's heavy on your heart).

Though I've been married now for 17 years, I had some really harsh breakups with some ladies who were just a poor fit for me. We fell into bad dynamics and habits that were unrecoverable and salvageable. If we'd started off differently and been kinder to each other, I'm sure they could lasted. However, I made mistakes, and they made mistakes. The best we could do was separate, and try again (and do better) with someone else.

I don't know if that describes your situation, but consider if the same applies. You may have to be the adult who end things definitively and bares the brunt of the fallout. If so, That means closing the door, to stop the crying. End the dialog. Cut off the contact. Kill the hope. Hold firm. And, deal with the sadness on your own (even failed relationships cause regrets).

Neither of you has any hope of getting to a good place until you leave this cycle of despair and chaos. Don't let your empathy lead to a cruel extension of a miserable situation. You'll have to assess if this applies.

Again, My 0.02php
Worth every centavo.

ACEPoolPlayer
  7/1/2019 12:17 EST

If I were you, I'd go to the Philippines and somehow get a DNA test done. Maybe you have to give her some money and be friendly in order to be able to see the child and do some swabbing without anyone knowing. Then get out of the Philippines smiling, friendly and find out the truth. If the child is yours you can somehow work something out to send money every month if that's what you want to do. If the child is not yours, forget about her and the child and move on. Regardless, end your relationship with her for your own self preservation.

draks
  7/1/2019 13:06 EST

My first wife was mentally I'll but I was very young, her reactions were very similar to your wife, in the end I had to leave my health was suffering, my third wife (Filipina) again was very similar would make arguments out of nothing. Unfortunately they don't change, they will act better for a while then slide back into it. I have been made to feel guilty also. Go have another sperm count again, if it's zero again then that baby is not yours. I would not support her, you owe her nothing, just feeling guilty. DNA test when the babies born would be a good idea, but my gut feeling is it's not your baby. You have a right to be happy in YOUR life, your here only once, your a long time dead. You are going to have to toughen up with women, you let them walk all over you, I learned the hard way, but I did learn. On my fourth marraige now she is a Filipina but she treats me the way I have always wanted to be treated. We hardly ever argue, and when we do snap at each other it's usually caused by stress.
You really have to be selfish now, you deserve to be happy. If you feel you must support her child then do so some how just enough for food and clothes etc. But whatever you do DO NOT TAKE HER BACK unless you want to spend the rest of your life in abject misery you sound like a decent man, but a bit too soft.
Good luck to you I have been where you are and it's not a nice way to live. Good luck

sherwood
  7/1/2019 16:18 EST

Love each other from afar. Communicate on messenger and facebook. Get to gether once every 10 years. Send presents and money on anniversaries, bithdays and x-mas.
Search for another partner and build on that relationship over the next 10 years.

Do this and you will thank me when you meet mrs. right. Hopefully. But, if you do not make the break you will never meet mrs. right and you will be very unhappy. HELL will be a better place to live.
Sherwood - ending my 3rd. marriage. Looking forward to my 4th.

MrMakati
  7/1/2019 17:54 EST

Cut all ties with her and move on with your life. You’ll live longer without the stress. If you’re too weak to do that then you deserve whatever comes your way. A life of misery with her and the child.

Robertdav298
  7/1/2019 20:20 EST

MR M.......my thoughts exactly......to much has been said about this post already

bbazor
  7/1/2019 20:41 EST

ACE: I usually agree with you. I think that you have more to offer this forum than anyone. Honestly, I have learned more from you than anyone else here. However, this time, I disagree with you about him going to visit to get a DNA test. I disagree only because she has issues and seems unstable. You never know what she would do. It's possible that she would have him jailed on trumped up charges and therefore very risky.

ACEPoolPlayer
  7/2/2019 06:49 EST

bbazor,
I agree and understand where you are coming from. That's why I said restore some kind of relationship temporarily. Go to the Philippines, send her some money, visit on good terms. Act nice. If you have to, even make it a short trip. Tell her if you have to that you are preparing for her to move back. Tell her whatever she wants to hear. She won't get the authorities after him if she believes he will be taking her back and he's giving her some money. I know I wouldn't be able to forget the child if I had doubts if it was mine or not. Get a DNA swap without her knowing. Just verify if the child is yours. If it isn't, it shouldn't be hard to move on with his life. For me this would be the only solution. Considering all the things mentioned it shouldn't be hard to move on and get away from her but if the child is really his, then maybe long distance contact is necessary.

Asawa
  7/2/2019 09:18 EST

If you decide to take a wait and see approach, consider reading this excellent book over the next 3-4 months.

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

If you want some guided reflection to consider your situation, the book helps you ask questions like:

Can I set limits and still be a loving person?

What are legitimate boundaries?

What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?

How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?

Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?

Aren’t boundaries selfish?

It seems like you are caught in a storm of feelings and emotions. It can be hard to "Logic Yourself" (or reason yourself) out of the moment to take better informed risks and set aside your anger, fear, hurt and resentment.

Ignore if you aren't a reader. I'm merely telling you what I'd tell a local friend. (Heck, I'd buy a used copy and give it to them). But, that's me.

Good luck!

mootpoint20
  7/2/2019 15:03 EST

"There are 50 ways to leave your lover!"--Paul Simon.

ACEPoolPlayer
  7/4/2019 08:31 EST

bbazor,
It seems like the child probably isn't his. He obviously has to get away from the girl forever. It will be much easier if he finds out the baby is not his. First of all, I think the baby isn't even born yet? Sam, are you 100% sure she is pregnant? If so, when is she due? That's another Filipina trick to tell the guy, she's pregnant to get more money then, unfortunately she miscarriages.

bbazor
  7/4/2019 08:49 EST

ACE: Who knows.. It sounds like that gal is crazy and unpredictable. He can do better for sure.

ACEPoolPlayer
  7/4/2019 12:16 EST

I agree the girl is a lost cause. So many more fish in the Philippine sea....

LarryKar
  7/5/2019 00:37 EST

I won't go into detail as I block as much as I can but his Gal sounds like a clinical case study of my last USA EX. The one blessing is she had no part in any of my kids. Let's just leave it that I moved 8000 miles and an ocean away in large part to be rid of her. Courts and lawyers and orders meant nothing. Run friend and stay hidden.

Robertdav298
  7/5/2019 05:21 EST

LARRY, it has been my experience to believe half of what I hear/read and it works well for me.

jorniv123
  7/5/2019 13:25 EST

First, /STOP FOOLING yourself and dump this b3tch before is too late!
You sound like a good person and all she is going to do is to destroy your life and maybe even kill you! I mean it!
Second, find yourself another woman who is compatible with you and show you have the character of a man!
Third, LEAVE NOW and begin the divorce process ASAP!
Wish you luck.

CarliC
  7/5/2019 18:34 EST

You wanted the advice of a woman. I am a wife of over 25 years. (FWIW I lived in the Luzon, Philippines for 1 year in the 80s as a single woman with Filipina housemates and had a sister who lived in Manila for 9 years.) What you describe is NOT normal among mentally healthy women. The woman you describe is abusive and NOT trustworthy.

The major difference I recall between Filipinas and North American gals is that in their culture, it's impolite to say no to someone to their face, so you have to go through their friends to find out if they want to do X or Y. They only got angry and resentful if they felt taken advantage of, and weren't given a chance to politely opt out of something. That's it. (They also were obliged by their families of origin to always save $$ and send it back home, so they couldn't "blow" their money on eating out, etc.) I could trust all of them. They were all good people. They were not liars.

I've never forgotten what my (late) bro-in-law -- who had a Master's degree in counselling and over 15 years of counselling--said about trust being vital to a marriage. He said a troubled marriage can only be fixed if both people can still basically trust each other. Once one person can no longer trust the other person, it's over. It doesn't have to be sexual unfaithfulness either. If you can't trust your spouse to tell the truth instead of lies, or trust your spouse with money, there is nothing that any marriage counsellor can do.

Tinmen
  7/22/2019 03:00 EST

Send a text message it’s over, how long do you plan to live? Many years more? Do you what to put up with her, no! Send the text, but please surport your child. Another thing, are you sure she is really pregnant?..

Tinmen married to a PH girl 18 yrs and happy.

mootpoint20
  9/27/2019 12:42 EST

Take her back!

My opinion is opposite most of everyone here. 15 years? We know of people married several times in 15 years. Finally pregnant? Possibly somebody else, but would you ever consider 'artificial insemination' if you could not give your wife a child? What's the difference except your pride. Anger? Of course she's angry, and she's feels guilty and needs forgiveness. These facts don't make her a 'whore'. But needy! If you're an angel, just take off for heaven. If you're human, '...to forgive is divine." Unless she's a street-prostitute, you're indulging yourself. Tomorrow, you might die? Take her on vacation, reaffirm your love like you certainly did to your other relative. Don't be a hypocrite--or petty. We had 6,000,000 Jews gassed to death by the Germans...yet America is presently an ally. I had a step-father, greater than my father, who saved my bacon. Children love those who love them.

Goslig
  9/27/2019 14:40 EST

SamK You are caught between a rock and a hard place in this difficult and stressful relationship. You feel you have to come to some decision about weather you should end your relationship. Your partner exhibits behaviour that creates an imbalance in your life. Think for a moment, though, about how you feel about yourself. Do you have a strong sense of who you are and what you want for yourself without it being based on performing for your partner? Your context was not unlike mine, but things changed when I realised how codependent I was, trapping my potential and limiting me (temporarily) to attempting to problem solve my dysfunctional marriage where I was relentlessly trying to please my wife and looking for ways to stop the drama. My wife eventually began treatment for bi-polar, type two hypomania where her manic phase mood swings expressed itself in irritability. Watch the Tracy Marks, MD, FRCP YouTube videos. Lots of drama and situations escalating out of control. Then periods of loving and normal enjoyable cohabitating. We both went for psychological testing which revealed a lot for both of us. I found a good psychiatrist and my wife began a regime of medication. I was constantly bombarded with advise from many to end the relationship. But I felt we both really did love each other, so I needed to find ways to manage the stressful episodes. I began to feel less responsible for her difficulties. The medication was working. and her mood swings gradually dissipated. . Though I could trigger them if I wasn’t paying attention to the psychological impact of things I said to her that she was sensitive about. Temporarily she flirted with the idea of a relationship with other men and communicated with them. We devised a break up plan. Oddly however, I became less emotionally involved with our conflict and pursued my own interests. I was approached by another woman for a relationship too, but I decided that the devil I knew was better than the devil I didn’t know. I planned a few nice get aways for us and gradually things settled down and we were both a lot happier in our marriage. I guess the point I am trying to make is that an ultimatum wasn’t our solution. I needed to overcome my codependent predisposition of always looking for ways to please her and started doing things to please myself. She felt much better on her meds and was sleeping better. We both understood the reasons we were attracted to each other that led us to get married. We got back to that sense of each other in a lasting way. Regrading money, it created a power imbalance between us since I was the one with the income. I finally had to dramatically insist she take the money without any drama because there wasn’t an alternative. I believe the middle stage of a relationship is the most difficult to reassert your mutual loving commitment to and relationship with each other, unless your marriage is made in heaven. It could be that the best thing is to look at doing is things for yourself that give you satisfaction. Don’t try to save your partner, save yourself. You don’t need (necessarily) to break up to do that. See if you can get her agreement to go for psychological testing and a joint psychiatric counselling session as well as individual ones for her. If you are a good parent to your child, they will never turn against you, but may be fed up with the family drama. It doesn’t matter if it’s your biological child. I told myself long ago that I am not just the father to my child, but (also) the father to all the children. Let things evolve and don’t rush to a judgement or ultimatum. Thanks for your patience in reading my lengthy reply.

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