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cicuta89
12/29/2018 16:02 EST

Good morning,My name’s Trish and I’m an expat [sound nearly like an AA confession, but might be even worse]. I’m writing, because I literally feel like my life’s completely out my control. None of methods I recently tried seems to give me even a sparkle of hope to change the way I feel so as I run out of options, I’m looking for help here. I’m former academic [psychology], thus I really tried to do whatever’s possible to reduce unpleasant experiences of culture shock etc. Although my knowledge seems to be useless, as well as all the previous attempts to make myself feel better. And still, here I am. Drowning in feelings of lost and solitude.

Not even a half year before I moved from Europe. I came to US due to scientific purposes, however in the meantime I meet my current husband. The decision was made after few months we know each other, but I didn’t have doubts; I wasn’t satisfied with many aspects of my previous life, thus it occurred as a great big-change opportunity

Shortly I start to feel homesick. Not a surprise, I was pretty sure we could deal with it. Unfortunately it was an illusions an from this point I’m feeling worse everyday. Like falling deeper and deeper, without seeing the button, thus without hope for recovery.

Don’t get me wrong; my husband’s is a really good person. I have no reasons to blame him or his family [nobody was impolite for me; quite the opposite] for what’s happening with me. But somehow I can’t be good for him. I’m becoming more and more bitter, depressed, feeling isolated. While he enjoys most of home-activities, I’m getting more and more mean, frustrated, nervous, feeling I can’t stand it anymore. What’s wrong with me? What can I do to step out of the circle?

Just for the record, multiple times I was trying to make any social connections, which remains difficult just due to my status [I cannot work or even volunteer in US during at least year after I moved ]. I can’t get rid of ridiculous feelings of loneliness. Unfortunately, the worse it gets, the more health problems I’m experiencing, such as sleeping, eating disorders and basically most of psychosomatics.And there is literally nobody I can speak with. Yes, with my husband we had numerous conversations about those things, however none of them seem to be conclusive . He’s feeling good with staying in home, cooking, occasionally walking through neighborhood, monitoring trash services and playing video games. I’m feeling like I’m chocking. In my previous life, my lifestyle was highly social-saturated [sometimes I had 3 different jobs at the same time and was doing my phd simultaneously ] and to say I feel alone is just a tip of an iceberg. I just miss everything I used to have so much… I doubt there is a proper way to express it ?? The problem in this case is not a particular element of life I could try to modify. Obviously, I do miss my work [even imperfect], colleagues, friends, language I was able to fully express myself… But that’s not the key.In this case it is the entire picture that feels wrong, inappropriate and solitude. I can’t stop thinking about it, one thing leads to another, I became more and more bitter, isolated, sad… What’s wrong with myself? How to start living again? What am I doing wrong? I’m mentally exhausted, overwhelmed and feel like I can’t take it anymore.

Please don’t tell me I should revise decisions I’ve already made, simply because I do not regret. It’s extremely hard and feels bad by all the means, but I’m not going to wrote that I don’t love him or it was a mistake. I just don’t know how not to waste this sacrifice.
I’ll be thankful for any advice.

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jr555
1/27/2019 14:28 EST

It sounds like you have stepped out of a very full and active life into one that just isn’t stimulating enough areas for you. Much of what you are saying is not foreign to me as when I first moves out of Canada to the U.S. I went through many lows for different reasons.
Don’t try to carry everything on your own back, you are in a partnership. I would hope your plight is not invisible to your husband and he does make efforts to make you feel more comfortable. Have you thought about sitting down on a Sunday evening and putting together a plan for the week, one that gives you things to look forward to and tasks that can fill your time. Being in a country you are not fully familiar with you are presently at a stage where you need to rely on your partner to help provide ideas that will occupy your time. Although it is obvious you don’t want to point a finger of blame in his direction for any of this, he does need to step up . He was obviously aware of your lifestyle before you were married and has to understand that you are not a person that can stagnate.
Good luck.

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Josie10689
3/11/2019 04:06 EST

I see this was written a couple of months ago, so I apologize if it is no longer relevant, but I think you first must stop putting blame on yourself and asking what about you is wrong. Nothing is wrong with you! You feel the way you feel!

Not only have you changed geography, but you have changed culture, food, customs, language, social structure, academia, and most of all, your environment! Of course you are going to have feelings of despair and homesick. As you undoubtedly know, successful relationships require compromise. Well, it sounds like you have done all of the compromising in your relationship and your husband needs to step up and do some. He needs to help you acclimate to the activities and people in the area so that you can be stimulated out of the house. I had a terrible time when I left the U.S. for the U.K.
Best of luck!

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