Why do expats stay? Three Cuenca residents discuss the reasons why some expats stay in their adopted countries while others leave
By Sylvan Hardy
In late December, we posted an article by Rick Ingle about the reasons expats go home. His conclusion? Being an expat is a lot more difficult than it’s cracked up to be; cultural and language differences, as well as homesickness and missing friends and family, pose insurmountable problems for many.
Cuenca expats on a tour of artists' studios.
Expats on a tour of artists’ studios in 2012.
Ingle suggested that we follow up by turning the question around and asking: what makes expats stay in their adopted country? Just as there are reasons why some go home, there are also reasons why others stay.
In addition to Ingle, who has lived in five countries in 30 years, we asked part-time Cuenca expat Martin Simmons, who has lived in three countries since 1995, and CuencaHighLife editor David Morrill, an 11-year Cuenca resident, to share their thoughts on why many expats remain expats.
DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ AND HEAR
According to Ingle, expats who “stay the course” are the ones who investigate their overseas options with a sense of healthy skepticism.
Although it may seem to be a no-brainer, he says he is continually surprised by the number of new expats who accept the word of others hook-line-and-sinker before making a permanent move overseas. “It blows my mind the number of times I hear expats say, ‘They didn’t tell me it would be this way,” Ingle says. “They,” he says, usually refers to popular move-overseas websites but, increasingly, to expats who hang out on social media and e-mail forums and offer advice to expat wannabes on the issue du jur.
Martin Simmons
Martin Simmons
International Living, Live and Invest Overseas, and other services pitched at English-speakers considering moving abroad, are for-profit enterprises, Ingle points out. “Actually, I think they provide a lot of good information and, frankly, they are the reason most people decide to become expats in the first place,” he says. “On the other hand, they’re also selling conferences, books and ‘insider’ services’. Anyone who signs up for their e-letters and subscribes to their magazines and special reports, should understand this and realize that they aren’t intended to be objective clearinghouses of information.”
Equally perplexing, Ingle says, are the prospective expats who trust someone on social media they’ve never met. “In fact, I would suggest that the last person whose opinion you should trust about being an expat is someone who sits on his duff all day in front of computer monitor. They’re not out there experiencing expat life.”
He adds: “Understand social media and the forums for what they are. They are good for getting references for restaurants and dentists and for making personal contacts. For anything more profound, like legal or technical information, they shouldn’t be trusted since you don’t know what information is accurate and what’s not. Generally speaking, you’ll will find more reliable information on blogs and websites.”
David Morrill
David Morrill
Ingle says that smart expats should follow Ernest Hemingway’s cardinal rule: “Keep your automatic bull S---T detector turned on.”
Simmons says that although Internet and book research provide a good starting point for would-be expats, it is crucial to spend time in the place you are considering relocating before you move. “I’m not talking about a week or two. You’ll a need a month or two, minimum. That way, you will be able to separate the grain from the chaff in terms of what you read and hear.”
Bottom line on your research, Simmons says: “Come with as open a mind as possible and fight preconceived ideas that you might pick up before you come.”
UNDERSTAND THAT THE EXPAT ‘HONEYMOON’ WILL END
Most expats go through a phase of infatuation with their new home, says Simmons. He calls it the expat honeymoon. ”The newcomers are enthralled with the scenery, the culture, the food, the pageantry, you name it. Everything is new and exciting and different. Almost by definition, expats are open to new adventures and most aren’t disappointed. At first, anyway.”
Expats at lunch.
Expats at lunch.
Says Simmons, “It’s like any other romance. If you’re realistic and understand that the bloom eventually fades from the rose, if you roll with the punches, so to speak, you’ll be fine. As the initial excitement wears off, you’ll discover the annoyances and frustrations of your new home, but you will also discover new things to keep you occupied. If you were paying attention during the honeymoon, you’ll have noticed a new world with new opportunities opening up before your eyes.”
Morrill adds: “At some point, life rears its ugly head and you come to the realization that most of the basics of getting along don’t change no matter where you live,” he says. “There are still bills to pay, you still get headaches after you drink too much, and a root canal hurts just as much in the new country as it did in the old one.”
‘HAVE I LOST MY MIND?’ YES YOU HAVE … AND GET OVER IT
Shortly after the honeymoon begins to fade, says Ingle, you’ll begin to question your sanity.
“Most of your friends and family back home are already convinced that you’ve lost your mind running off to a savage place like Ecuador, Mexico or Singapore, where the people talk funny and eat their pets.,” Ingle says. “There will come the day when you’ll probably agree. This is part of the rite of passage for expats and the ones who fight through it are the ones most likely stay.”
“As a rule of thumb, I would suggest you should question your sanity should be an ongoing process; it will keep you sane,” he says. “Expats have more reason to question their sanity than other people.”
DON´T COMPARE EVERYTHING TO THE OLD COUNTRY
Successful expats are the ones who are able to break away from an obsessive habit of comparing things in the new country with things in the old one. “Honestly, you will never get completely over making comparisons. We’re hard-wired to do it,” Ingle says, “Expats who are in it for the long-haul understand this and they learn to look forward instead of backward. They’re not the ones continually carping about the fact that they can’t find Jiffy peanut butter or why it takes so long for the hot water to start running, although that’s a legitimate question.”
“You have to take pleasure in what you’re new country has to offer,” says Simmons. “If you don’t, you’ll be a short-timer.”
There’s nothing wrong with missing things from the old country and taking advantage of them when the opportunity arises, says Morrill. “I just came back from visiting the family in North Florida and had a fabulous time,” he says. “Beyond the wholesome stuff I do there, I look forward to indulging old bad habits too, like having lunch at Whataburger with an upsized order of fries and a Dr. Pepper. On the other hand, when I come back to Cuenca, I look forward to going with my friend Alan to eat pig and mote pillo with the indigenous folks at the Diez de Agosto market food court. It’s the best of both worlds, good habits and bad.”
EMBRACE YOUR NEW COUNTRY BUT DON’T DENY YOUR ROOTS
According to Ingle, too many new expats seem to be escaping their old country, not embracing the new one.
“I was in Fabiano’s a few weeks ago and overheard a conversation at the next table. A guy was telling the couple sitting opposite him that he was sick and tired of the U.S. and said he would never go back,” says Ingle. “I didn’t hear all the details but they were mostly about unhealthy living, conspicuous consumption and politics.”
According to Ingle, the guy turning his back on the U.S. won’t last long. “He’s pissed off and will probably always be and won’t be around a year from now. The folks who stay are the ones who come to Ecuador because they look forward to a new life, a new country, and a new adventure, not the ones who are escaping some place they claim to hate.”
MAKE A SERIOUS ATTEMPT TO LEARN THE NEW LANGUAGE
Simmons describes a recent conversation with two acquaintances. “One talked about his struggle to learn Spanish but said that giving up was not an option. This guy said he tried out his Spanish, such that it was, every chance he had, whether it was with the cab driver, the store clerk or the lady selling strawberries out of a wheel barrow at the corner of Sucre and Miguel. The other fellow said he had tried and failed with the language and was done with it. He said all his friends spoke English and if he had to interact with Spanish-speakers he had a ‘facilitator’ to handle the issue.”
For Simmons, there is no doubt which expats has the best chance of staying. “You won’t stay if learning the language isn’t important to you.”
Another key to expat longevity, is to accept your ignorance in the communication skills, Simmons says. “A little humility goes a long way.”
CONSIDER BEING A PART-TIME EXPAT
And then there are the part-time expats, many of whom are not included in expat head-counts. This group includes those who have, from the outset, planned to split their time between the home country and the new one, as well as those who were originally full-time expats, but who decided later, for a variety of reasons, to divide their time.
“I highly recommend that potential expats consider this, especially those who have strong emotional ties at home.” says Simmons. “My wife and I have a lived a dual life for years and it’s worked very well for us.”
THERE ARE NO UNSUCCESSFUL EXPATS
“A point that is often lost in the conversation about being an expat is that going home doesn’t mean you’re a failure,” says Ingle. “I have several friends who, even though they aren’t expats anymore, say the experience enriched and changed their lives. Their time as expats gave them a new curiosity about other countries and cultures and helped develop a passion for international travel.”
He adds: “Consider it a win-win proposition.”
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