Expat Advice: Relationships in Wolfsburg, Germany

What is the name of the city or town that you are reporting on?

Wolfsburg

What is your current status? Are you single, dating, in a long-term relationship, married or divorced?

Married to German citizen (man).

What is it like in your country of residence for someone with your relationship status (married/divorced/dating)? If you're single, how do you meet other people? Do English-speaking people tend to gravitate to certain parts of your city?

I have a certain status here as an American. That can be either positive (for America fans) or negative (for those people who are anti-American). However, either initial reaction takes a rather sharp turn, always in the more positive direction, when the people speak to me and see that I speak fluent German without an accent. People are always extremely surprised that I'm an American (if any accent is detected, I'm often asked if I'm Dutch or Swedish), and look at my husband and me with admiration that we make things work so well. We're both very young (23 & 25) and have been married for over 3 years. We still are silly as ever and very affectionate - and so far no kids, though we would like a family someday. Marriage has a very shaky standing in Germany and I believe that we set an excellent example for other young people for how marriage can be! As far as English-speaking people gravitating towards certain spots, there aren't really any native English speakers around here that I know of, and I've lived here for 4 years.

If you have children, what advice would you give to others making a similar transition to your country of residence?

N/A (Not yet, anyway!)

If you do not have children, do you generally spend your social time with other expat couples? If not, what else do you like to do as a couple?

Not at all. We have no American friends here. We have all German friends, some couples, some we just hang out with as a group. However, we are strict non-smokers, and seeing as Germany (like most European countries) has a high smoking rate and no real "non-smoking" culture, it's tough for us to go out. Sometimes we just have to tolerate it if we want to do anything, but mostly we hang out at home together or privately at friends' homes.

If you are married or in a relationship with a person of another nationality, how has this experience enriched you as a person. What kind of challenges do you face?

I've learned an enormous amount since I first came to Germany in 1995 as a silly girl of 16 who brought a whole suitcase full of Diet Coke because I'd heard Coke Light tasted terrible (!). My husband and I met each other at my high school where he was an exchange student for a year. We did the back and forth thing for a long time, and actually broke up for almost two years in the meantime, before I made the move to Germany in May, 1999. My husband was completing an apprenticeship in corporate real estate and was studying at a university at the same time, so that was very important and we didn't want to disrupt that chance. Still, we couldn't stand being apart from each other anymore. I'm a musician, so I said it was easier for me to move, since I could play pretty much anywhere, and decided to make pack everything up and make the leap. In all those years that we were together, would you believe that I never had any interest in learning about his culture or language? Sure, I'd asked a couple superficial questions here and there, but not seriously. Then, there I was all at once with everything that would fit in my suitcases and my dog, not knowing why people wouldn't return my smiles nor where one word ended and the next began. It was a pretty short time before the excitement of moving to another country wore off and I was stuck there in a sea of unfriendly people and couldn't even order my own food in a restaurant. Thankfully, I inherited a talent for languages from my mom and it was about 3 months until I understood most of what people said, then another 6 months before I could speak in full sentences. I went through a terrible phase of homesickness that made me bitter towards all the Germans that never smiled or held a door or returned all the American niceties I was used to. It took a good long time to mellow that bitterness out and come to understand and accept those cultural differences that frustrated me. Also, in learning the language and culture here in Germany, I've learned an enormous amount about my own American culture, people and language that was simply invisible to me and taken for granted before. I can truly say today that I love Germany, Germans and all of the crazy-weird quirks that come with it and them! I'm proud to be an American and still feel a very strong connection to my homeland and people, however it's not a blind, all-consuming pride and trust of every aspect of our country. There are lots of things about the States and Americans that make me cringe. Things that I may never have noticed had I not come to live so fully in another country that isn't necessarily 100% American-friendly. Still, there are many characteristics that I love. In any case, I'm glad to have been bestowed this extra sight and to have been able to have the rich experiences that have become my daily life living in Germany.

What would be the best advice you could give someone with your relationship status that lives in your country of residence? Any other thoughts?

Take an interest in their language and culture!!! That may cut down on some hard and tough lessons learned once you step off the plane! Don't get frustrated when Germans laugh or make comments about all Americans drinking only Coke all day every day or eating every meal at McDonald's if you happened to drink or eat either at some point in time while you're there. They have their stereotypes of Americans (like everyone has of everyone) that they just love to see fulfilled and will not ever hold themselves back from blatantly pointing them out and making fun of them. Understand that, as a general rule (although I've found it dangerous to categorize an entire folk), Germans are extremely analytical, critical, cynical, stubborn and tough to swallow at times, but amazingly strong, interested, loyal and great people once you break the surface and get to know them! Also, don't be disenheartened if you don't get the hang of the language right away. It's a tough language, but it'll come along. It really will!!